What to do? I look back at my blog, and at all my other work, and marvel at how it has ground to a halt, despite my continuing to busy myself with it every day. It is a terrible feeling, this loss of momentum, and more essentially the loss of joy that my work gives me. Yes, it is all so awful that I don’t like to acknowledge it, because putting it into words makes it more certain. And perhaps I don’t like the idea of poking around the mysterious springs of creativity and reaching some false conclusion that might do me harm.
What I can safely say is that I began doing crossword puzzles in 2015, and that since my father died I have spent many, many hours on Ancestry.com. I imagined feeling so much after his demise, but what I feel is mainly a recoiling against my customary ways of being and proceeding. Loss is remaking me, perhaps. I don’t much appreciate it, being reminded of the precarious and nasty aspects of the human condition.